I was talking last night with a dominant who had recently split with their ______ (I don’t know what the word is for their thing). And she was talking about the absence and how to be around the person would cause her to break into tears.

And we talked about how those deep exchanges are SO qualitatively different in their absence than when breaking up with a “lover” or “girlfriend” or “partner”.

I’ve experienced my “addiction” being bigger than “love”. I can certainly jones in the absence of ANY Love… if that makes sense.

While at Leather Reign there was a session on the “dark pudding” of topping. Those times when we feel the need to go deeper and further and it feels like we might get swept up and do so happily regardless of the BIGGER consequences be they community, social, familial, legal, etc.

Deep D/s is manifested in my mind’s eye as plunging my fist past a person’s mortal barriers to grab onto a viceral organ and haul it out bleeding to feast on. It feels that primal. And I work HARD to keep that in check. Sometimes it feels like I will BURST out of my skin and pieces will fly and this creature will stride the road displaying its guts for all to see. One more drink. One more hit. One more spoonful. One more rep. One more…

And because I CAN’T get that deep I’m always hungry. And frequently, to take the edge off I will dumpster dive into connections which on the surface at the play party, the house party, behind closed doors probably LOOK hawt but aren’t that nutritious. And sometimes I get a REALLY good meal. But that doesn’t happen often and it costs me a lot (physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychically) and makes me SO much more aware of what I’m missing. Many times I find myself being anorexic about the whole thing as a way of coping.

Which is all a way of saying that this thing sometimes SCARES me.

Feb 202008
 

It’s true.

Yes, there are a few things that are making Mama cranky, but for the most part I am THRILLED about the way the year has started and is rolling out.

I’m not really one to record my life or thoughts, but I think that this year might be the one that will work for me.

SO much to do.

I need to do more of this so that I can figure out what I am capable of and to figure out what my propensity for creating a regular public space will look like.

I’m shifting my life and part of that is getting with the program of making myself publically available.

 

I picked this up from a friend on a forum I participate in.

This is based on an exercise about class and privilege developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate in this blog game, they ask that you PLEASE acknowledge their copyright.

Bold the true statements.

Continue reading »

 

I remember a period of time when I discovered needles. In fact, what it was was a scene where a woman was being stapled. And the gun was offered to me. And I did it… and this HUGE THING reared it’s head at me and I had to walk away. I was VERY shaken and didn’t go near bloodsports for over a year. And just being around it caused my poor senses to start going on overload.

I remember being in this nasy funk after a SPECTACULAR weekend and having the person I was with look at me and say “Top Drop, Ma’am?” that moment has stuck with me.

I have to dash. I’d left half my groceries at the store at bus ride away in the rain. But I’ll be back. Hopefully others will have waded in by then.

 

I’d be interested to hear if anyone has feedback on XtraWest’s story that I was interviewed for:

The Outsiders – Feeling invisible and invalidated by Vancouver’s white queer community
Natasha Barsotti / Xtra West – Cover Story / Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Link ~> http://tinyurl.com/2nlb9v

Continue reading »

 

1> What do your BDSM scene friends call you?
It depends on their relationship to me. Lady Kona, Ma’am, Kona, Mama… Imp, brat-top, scary, intimidating, sadistic, … LOL!

1b> What would you like for us to call you?
I think Kona would do just fine

2> How old are you? Location? Race?
This year I’ll be turning 38! I have no idea how that happened that I am almost 40… I’m in Vancouver,  BC Canada. I am of Guyanese, South American decent on both sides. First one born outside of the country (Edmonton, Alberta, Canada) on both sides for a few generations.

2b> Are you Male, Female, TV, TS Pre-op, TS Post-Op?
Cis-female all the way. All original parts still accounted for.

2c> Are you Straight? Bi? Gay? Unsure?
I am often gay – especially if there is sunshine – but I identify as a Femme-Dyke

2d> Are you Dominant? Submissive? Switch? Or Undecided?
Non-switching Dominant Top

2e> Are you single? Looking? Married? Married but looking? Polyamorous?
I’m single and currently courting someone who may have primary potential.

3> Are you looking to meet someone from this group?
That depends. I don’t know anyone form the group as yet! Played a little BDSM CSI with Mr. Worf but we didn’t approach it as partners… which might have made it go easier on us… LOL!

4> Do you participate in munches? (a munch is a meeting/lunch gathering)
I used to go to EVERY munch in my area. I don’t do this anymore. I may do it in the future. I consider it from time to time. They are normally, in this area, attended by hetero-focussed folks. Not a lot of dykes. When I travel, if there is a munch I definitely make an effort to attend.

5> Do you participate in BDSM play in public? We often have parties at a local dungeon. Would you be interested in participating?
I attend one or two parties a month. Some are public. Some are private. Some are personal. Sometimes attend BDSM-lite fetish events as well. I’m on the local DM Team so sometimes I show up to socialize and/work. If I was in your area, I’d certainly post and would make every effort to attend a party if the dates worked. Increasingly I’m willing to travel to be in POC play spaces. In the the fall of 2007 I travelled to New York to attend one.

6> How long have you been exploring BDSM? How long have you been actively participating in BDSM?
Wow. Well, I was  for more than five years before I came out publically 10 years ago. Longer if I think about it. That doesn’t include things I did as a young adult, youth or child. and have been in the public scene for about 10 years. When I came out I had to LEARN percussive and “BDSM” play because that’s not what I was doing! I was into the juiciness of power exchange/dynamics.

7> Do you like physical pain? Or do you enjoy the psychological aspects of bondage?
HUH? I’m a sadist. I enjoy playing with the energy that can come out of bondage… but that’s not the question you’re asking me. Right?

8> Are you a exhibitionist or voyeur?
I regard myself as neither. I consider myself to be a participant.

9> What does BDSM mean to you?
That’s a pretty big question. Especially these days. I recently did a Femme Domme mentoring intensive for three days with an Elder racialized leather dyke. It fucked me up and I’m still recovering. Ask me when the water has slowed it’s swirling.

10> If you could add a question to this survey what would it be?
Have you considered or can you articulate your relationship to BDSM as a person of colour living in the Americas (North, South and points in between)?

11> How did you first hear about BDSM?
I’m not even certain to be honest. I probably didn’t start really looking at the vernacular and the meanings of the component parts until I came out publicly. I had no words. I had seen some things which Identified as edgy sexually… and I figured that they had to be who I was or at least constituent parts since I OBVIOUSLY wasn’t like my peers or what I saw in the media…

12> How did you hear about Mahogany?
I was cruising around the Dark Connections site. I’ve had it bookmarked for years and have visited every once in a while to see about changes and continue reading content i hadn’t read before. And i came across this link! I’m really focussed these days on growing my connection to other POC that are interested in BDSM.

 

I feel like I just gained some insight into something that my boi has been trying to express to me. And something I said this morning too.

I said, “I wonder how I do it.” Which was met with a blank stare by the poor creature.

I don’t know how I do what I do. I never have a plan and I never know what’s coming next. I don’t know what will occur in 10 minutes, or five minutes, or three minutes. I don’t know anymore than the focus of my attention does.

I’ve tried planning scenes. I know some people do it. This, then this, then this. Nope. Some people have a routine for how they warm people up or play with them. This, then this, then this. Nope. Some people have specific things that make them hot. This, this, this…. Nope. I’m a shitty negotiator precisely because “This, then this, then this” makes me feel like I’m… well they don’t make me *feel*.

My *thing* is the individual song. I want to figure out how to play this particular instrument that is under my hands. I get off on the moment/s. I want the look, the sound, and the movement that conveys through prose its own unique kind of poetry.

 

I was playing with C—- this weekend, in the bathtub, and a comment was made about me interrogating C—- like I had done with a mutual friend at a dinner party the night before.

I said that I did not *DO* interrogation scenes and, C—- laughed at me like I was being COMPLETELY ridiculous! *blink, blink* went I and I grabbed the hair and proceeded to dunk/drown C—- again. It was hawt.

And it was weird. This light went on inside my mind. And it reminded me of the time a similar light had gone off. I was talking to someone after one of Midori’s Humiliation workshops. I said something to the effect of “Gee! I guess I’ve been doing humiliation play when I do XYZ.” And the person laughed at me. The *same* kind of laugh as C—-

Cause I’ve never really thought that I do “interrogation.” I think of it as questioning that keeps the bottom on their toes, or helps to prevent them from floating off into space, or provides a framework that allows me to construct scenes on the fly without negotiation, or play without safewords by extracting information about the progress of the scene. I can often be heard to say, “Do you want me to stop? Do you want to call the police? Do you need an ambulance? How about an intervention? Where’s your cell phone so you can call a life line? You wanna borrow mine?”

But lately, with a particular person, I have been taking this to a new place. The questions are legion and I can go on for 30 minutes or more without letting up. I love the blushing, sweating, and squirming. YUM!!! Which leads me to the the moment of the comment and light going on.

I went, once upon a time, to a Midori workshop on Interrogation and Military scenes. I confess, I did not see myself as a person who played that way and so I found it interesting but not relevant. Now I’m more intrigued and can’t find my notes.

Part-time D/s

 Uncategorized  No Responses »
Dec 282006
 

I just came out of a fulltime D/s association. I released the person from service but we have managed to find a way to evolve into primary partners… (I think that is what I woudl call it…). The language and details are still really weird.

There is still a recognition that I am the dominant in our… relationship?… dynamic?…?? But things are more fluid now and subject to bouts of confusion.

So… we do p/t D/s… I guess. It’s strange.

 

Oh how I miss the stuff.

Living in Vancouver gets pretty tired weather wise. As a Prairie girl I miss all the things one can do with snow. And i miss thunder and lightening and i miss the Northern Lights…

Last night at about 12:30 am C__ and I went out into the snow and threw it at each other. I even beaned a couple of strangers who were very good natured about it. As we walked down the street past Grandview Park we noticed that a couple of games of tic tac toe sixed 20 x20 had been played, and a couple of snow angels were lying in the grass.

To day I’m heading out again and I can barely wait!!

I’d really like to build a snow person.

Can’t do THAT with rain….

 

I was asked about how I make my mark with my voice.

I know I can give good phone. But I think I make my print through my eyes really. They are the part (I believe) that does the work.

Voiceprints… I’ll have to think more about that… It’s interesting. ‘Cause it’s about volume and tone and language…

What catches me in others (when I’m hunting or feeling receptive to the vibe) are those who stutter and stammer and sweat theot words out. I really do LOVE that. But I also desire to hear something that is articulate and clever and funny and kinda stoopid too.

Don’t talk dirty to me (well OK, a bit) just talk SMART.

 

When I drop, I become, crabby and irritable and non-communicative. I don’t want anyone around me and I don’t want to talk to anyone in person or on the phone. It’s kinda like a bad depressive state. I wanna drink, I wanna sleep and I wanna watch bad TV with junk food.

Now that I know this about myself (it took awhile, believe me) I am on the lookout for signs and do the best I can to take care of myself. Which doesn’t necessarily mean giving into the bad behaviours I want.

 

I’m smallish in size (5’1″ and 160 lbs) But I’m big when it comes to torment! Being small means that there are times when F/folks underestiment what I am capable of. Wink

On the other hand, there are times where I steadfastly insist that because I’m little… there’s Ab-sol-lute-ly No-thing to be afraid of… heheheheh…

“I’m just little! How much of a threat could I possibly be?”Twisted Evil

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