Mostly Me » NubianImp Projects

The butch l**es me…

Self-Indulgent, Sex & Gender, Writings on Race No Responses »

Jun 192008

How do I know?

‘Cause the gauntlet was throw down to show up. To acquire some skills. To GET IT. And to have the courage to figure out what that meant to move through the world so that complicity is not a part of what I have to deal with in my personal life and PARTICULARLY when walking by my side.

‘Cause I won’t take excuses anymore if you want to touch my flesh. Nope.

I got a call about an intervention that had been performed. “You’d have been proud of me.” And I was. “Was it hard?” I asked. There was a pause. “No, actually.”

And today I got this in my morning email:
http://www.theroot.com/id/46894/?GT1=38002

Huh.

I’m gonna have to keep this one around a little longer apparently.

This racial shit? It’s not in my mind

Writings on Race No Responses »

Jun 162008

Contentious was the word used.

I found it curious. No had called me that before. I had to look it up to ensure that I knew what it meant:

1.tending to argument or strife; quarrelsome: a contentious crew.
2.causing, involving, or characterized by argument or controversy: contentious issues.
3.disputatious, argumentative.
4. Given to contention; quarrelsome. See Synonyms at argumentative, belligerent

I sighed and said Oh… do you mean that I am Uppity? And the person replied no. That they knew that identity politics were important to me and that I could be assertive…. etc…. Perhaps I was manifesting by focussing on this… etc…

Mama has a Surgery date at last!

Self-Indulgent No Responses »

Jun 162008

I heard the news today OH BOY

WHEW!Â It’s going to be horrific and then OH. SO. FUCKING…

GOOD

I don’t qualify for the wait list. Looks like I’ll get fast-tracked to one of the spots in July. “TOO SOON” I said. Thinking about the Bride of Pride event in August and the dyke picnic and… well… SUMMER.

She tried for August… I protested. “You can’t even sit down today and you’re standing at your desk to work” she said.

All is quiet…

Writings on Race No Responses »

May 082008

Silence is golden.

Huh.

Sometimes it speaks VOLUMES.

Sometimes just fucking rude.

Ticking boxes with my dull pencil…

Choices… I pick…

Writings on Race No Responses »

May 042008

The Dark Crystal.

Still holds up.
……………..

The question is: Do you fight

For what you think is right

???

Do you sit?

Or do you fight.

???

‘Til my last dollar is gone

Writings on Race No Responses »

Apr 292008

Who knew? Well a few actually.
I’m stubborn. I have faith.
I suckle at the teat of benefit of the doubt.
I give what I ask for in return.

Look, I didn’t put myself on this auction block and I’m tired of having my teef checked.

Note to self:
Availability DOES NOT EQUAL Capacity
Presence DOES NOT EQUAL Worth

How about leaving me with a couple of bucks so I can buy a last meal? How about letting me keep my cash and buying me a meal?

Suckling from my breast and giving affection in return is depleting. Parasites = **shiver** Symbiosis is about equivalent exchange.

Maybe the real problem here is setting the price too low. Or trusting that when sliding scale is offered on a $20 value that one will drop more than a loon or a toon or a fin for that matter. Or that the thing doesn’t turn so that yer footing most of the bill.

Huh.

Paying and paying.

Can I keep a dollar or two?

Or how about this… How about YOU pay ME? Tear open the secret stash and offer it up instead of rooting around and widening the accidental rent that is ‘causing change to fall and be scooped up without return.

And when yer done… spread yourself and fuck yerself for me. Nice and slow. And make sure you look me in the eye. Don’t close them and pretend I’m not here. Watching. Appreciating. Getting PAID. But don’t get started before I can pour a martini, adjust the lights and settle in a comfy chair.’Cause Mama wants to see aaaaallllll of what you got.

Heart & Soul

Uncategorized No Responses »

Apr 272008

Exchange continues… Mama is getting paid.

Today:

Lesbianism is the heart … submission is the soul
One can deny the heart .. but one can not deny the soul

So generous an offering to me

I really respect those who root around inside themselves

Writing and writing and writing

Writings on Race No Responses »

Apr 262008

There’s this interesting thread in the anonymous section of a forum I belong to. It’s about: Racism and Racialization.

I was gonna post there and decided that I needed to keep my unformed stuff over here where I can keep my thoughts separate from being seen as direct responses… LOL!

Hmmmm… I find it interesting that the subject causes so many strong feelings on BOTH sides. That there is anger on BOTH sides (POC/non-POC). And that anger seems to be about people saying “I hate this and want it to stop making me feel horrible!” Which is a CLEAR indication to me that EVERYONE suffers from the overt/covert systemic/endemic crap we deal with in North America (my living experience) day in and day out. And a big part of that is that none of us like generalizations that take away our agency.
Continue reading »

Too much, too much, too much…

Writings on Race No Responses »

Apr 262008

.
More reflection and further conversation about the D/s Dinner/salon I hosted on April 22.08 led me think a little more about this:

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-frost11apr11,0,7418243.story
http://www.latimes.com/news/la-fg-mosley10apr10,1,7848100.story
http://lolitawolf.blogspot.com/2008/04/nazi-fantasies.html
http://www.slate.com/id/2188752/

And remember this:

http://www.iron-rose.com/vijohnson/docs/blic2.htm

All because today I had yet another communication commenting on how my personal choice of language about my personal stuff was disturbing. And once again I had to make it clear that I was talking about the two square feet that I stand on and the skin that I inhabit.

How is it that we as a community can talk about Rape Play and Littles and scenes that involve heavy amounts of blood and it’s OK? We even seem to be working on moving through Trans issues – which has been TOUGH and ROUGH. How is it that folks can talk about these things being important to them and having space for them and whether they are SSC/RACK and people actually stick around for the discussion?
Continue reading »

BodyFail

Self-Indulgent No Responses »

Apr 242008

My body has been failing me. Miserably.

And folks keep stepping up to the plate. Even through my complete and utter lack of expectation in humanity. Which is not about bitterness. It’s about self reliance and about allowing people to operate within their capacities without guilt or obligation.

My body is failing me and reducing my capacity in this particular moment. And that will shift. Absolutely.

Thank gawd. ‘Cause I’m bored.

GAGging on it…

Reflections & Ruminations, Self-Indulgent No Responses »

Apr 242008

GAG.

I gag and gag and gag.

Sometimes I find a way to don my good girl face. Generally I look for the silver lining.
Continue reading »

Payment

Reflections & Ruminations, Self-Indulgent, Writings on Race No Responses »

Apr 232008

I was told I would end up paying. And I did. Big fucking surprise. There are always only a handful of folks willing to stick up their heads like whack-a-moles and eventually, no matter how skilled, they get thumped.

I wish I could withdraw the bounty I offered up – well – used as a shield really… or evidence. I wish I could eat those words. Keep them safe from prying puerile eyes and tongues inclined to repetition. Safe from reinterpretation.

All I’ve done is create more work at a time when my body is failing me physically.

Mama is tired. And as we all know… fatigue leads to mistakes. And as I scribbled on paper and passed to a friend: I can’t keep my defenses up. So fallible. So flawed.

I sometimes feel like a knight. In service to something larger than me. Desiring to be in service to something larger than me. And beside me, my trusty squire. In service to me and the vision I in turn serve.

Sometimes I am a queen. Not the Queen of Everything, but the Queen of Quite-a-lot. A dame in service with need of a consort with whom I can sojourn.

The wind. Gentle and destructive. Loved and feared.

Being self-reflective can be a dangerous thing.

Permalink Uncategorized No Responses »

Apr 182008

Lately its all about feeling intermediate in an advanced world.

If I was inclined to procreation, I would be attempting to replicate. If I was a flower I would be spraying my last blast before dying – a kind of desperate flailing before a final gasp.

I often use a phrase told to me by a former(?) member, “the herd needs to be culled.” These days I feel like I’m in the cross hairs.

Intermediate in an advanced world.

My 3rd Annual Sexy Sauna Bithday event

Sex & Gender, Sexy Sauna & Bathhouse No Responses »

Apr 162008

April Showers and Sweats!

You Are Invited to the D/s Dinner/salon #2- April 22.08

D/s Dinner/salons, Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »

Apr 152008

**please feel free to cross-post and distribute appropriately**
Invite others to join us or distribute this link: http://tinyurl.com/3t3yw

This is the first in a series of serious conversations about D/s
On April 22, 2008 the second of an intended quarterly series of D/s Dinner/salons will take place. The intent is to come together to discuss the cerebral (D/s) as opposed to the technical (bdsm) side of some what we all find more than just a little bit HAWT.
Continue reading »

Weary

Uncategorized No Responses »

Apr 032008

My mind is in a twist these days and I’m functioning on automatic. And event that is not getting the job done. My judgement is off but I’m trying to be gentle with myself. Saying things at work… saying things to the boi… sending emails I would love to recall… important actions delayed… I feel like there is going to be one HELL of a mess to sort out at the beginning of May. A member of my chosen family is going to read my cards next week. Perhaps there will be light.
Continue reading »

Body Betrayal

Self-Indulgent No Responses »

Mar 312008

My collegue asked me:

How do you feel?

Â And lacking the strength not to unload I said:

Like shit.

I’m tired, and I’m scared, and I’m tired of feeling scared, and all of my emotions are TOO close to the surface. Especially, as I said to my supervisor today, when one has to function in a corporate world where one is supposed to suck it up and keep responding to e/v-mail with their severed arm dangling or while delivering a baby, etc. I feel like my integrity is at stake. I feel like a burden to the office, my colleagues and to the tax payer. I’m conscious of not pulling my weight while my workspace mate drowns under her load and I don’t want to face the office.

I woke up this morning and was a strange mixture of surprised and disappointed.

Sorry. You asked.

**sigh** More in time probably…

My Phone

Off Topic - Live With It! No Responses »

Mar 282008

Meet my phone. It’s out of focus, but **shrug** that’s what you get when you steal images of out-dated technology off the web. It probably weighs a 1/4 of a pound and in at least one inch thick and 1.5 inches wide and about 6 inches long. I hold the battery on with an elastic, the paint is chipping off, the antennae is kinda fucked up, but the screen is almost completely free of any scratches.

My phone is almost ten years old.

So I can receive text messages, but there is no function on my phone which will allow me to send. I don’t text. I KNOW! How shocking. There’s no video, music, camera, email, spreadsheet, etc either. It doesn’t flip or fold or snap. It has ONE ring tone for everyone and it ain’t something from the soundtrack of my life either.Â It really is JUST.A.PHONE.

How many phones have you owned in the last 10 years. What did you do with the old ones?

Kona’s Googlism

Off Topic - Live With It! No Responses »

Mar 262008

Love this. All you do is plunk in a name and hit the button.

Learn important things about yerself! Behold the insanity and lack of sense!
http://www.googlism.com/

Edited for sense but some good laughs…

kona is a beautiful young black female cat – how sweet!
kona is 75 pounds – maybe when I was 10!
kona is the culminate of efforts of many java experts and many year of building architectures for rapid business application development
kona is hand picked and dried in the warm hawaiian sun
kona is split into two parts
kona is a very “laid”
kona is a special girl who is looking for a special home – ain’t that the truth!
kona is the first place i ever visited 22 years ago and i still love kona – who the hell is THIS!
kona is a very unique and wonderful place
kona is known for its world
kona is growing – kinder and gentler I hope…
kona is available inside for shipping to everywhere
kona is a song “style” associated with certain sung verses
kona is a unique experience – too true, too true, too true. Beware…
kona is a favorite spot
kona is a sweet kitty but definitely has an attitude – Heh…
kona is a hands – I’m more than that!
kona is every bit the opposite of hilo
kona is far from being deprived in this realm and as much as i’d like to go into detail on each component we’ll keep this to a minimum
kona is 50% us and 50% canadian owned – Not true. Canadian. The other half is South American
kona is part three of a six
kona is set in a four
kona is distinguished
kona is only good for what it is quarried for
kona is notoriously hot and windy – Now wait a minute! Them are fightin’ words!
kona is large
kona is the place
kona is very private
kona is not closely related to any modern
kona is difficult to find
kona is an orthopedic surgeon who maintains an active practice

On my bedside table – OK, floor…

Culture & Community, Education No Responses »

Mar 102008

Currently I’ve got – as always – several on the go. In no particular order:

1. Black Wine – Candace Jane Dorsey

2. The Value in the Valley – Iyanla Vanzant

3. Bitch Goddess – edited by Pat Califia & Drew Campbell

4. Owned, Reflections of a Submissive – Toya

5. The Ethical Slut – Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt

6. A Guide to the Correction of Young Gentlemen, The Successful Administration of Physical Discipline to Males by Females – A Lady

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NubianImp Projects

The butch l**es me…

This racial shit? It’s not in my mind

Mama has a Surgery date at last!

All is quiet…

Choices… I pick…

‘Til my last dollar is gone

Heart & Soul

Writing and writing and writing

Too much, too much, too much…

BodyFail

GAGging on it…

Payment

My 3rd Annual Sexy Sauna Bithday event

You Are Invited to the D/s Dinner/salon #2- April 22.08

Weary

Body Betrayal

My Phone

Kona’s Googlism

On my bedside table – OK, floor…

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