On the Edge doesn't have to Equal Abuse

Our Actions > BDSM, Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s, Sex & Gender No Responses »
Mar 142008

I go to public parties around town and before my friend -rl- got a hold of the DM team there was judgment and questioning about certain activities. Was it UNSAFE. Not always. Nope. Not at all. I actually remember a “you didn’t warm her up” admonishment.” Yeah. Oh! Did that flogger wrap? For some that is abuse, for some, that is hawt.

Devil’s Advocate as always.

Now, if part of what D/s tops and bottoms come together for is a touch of fear, and edge and to have boundaries pushed, then that statement from Bonnie *may* have very little substance to it. I don’t know. I recently had a boi I am playing with occasionally, state what she was capable of. Upon further exploration, it wasn’t about capability it was about limited experience, fantasy fear, and socially inscribed notions of what was appropriate. Well… Mama pushed past THAT! And there was thanks in the moment and continues to be thanks and there are requests to go further.

Tops aren’t perfect in D/s but neither are the person we play with. Errors in judgment can be made on both sides. And frankly, when it comes to emotional abuse, dominants aren’t the only ones who can dish it out frankly. I know a few submissive who are SKILLED at non-consensually **topping** a room or their partners.

The statement in Elaine’s scenario which tips the balance of what is going on is: “Toppy Tasha is scathingly dismissive of Bottom Bonnie’s ideas and theories, yet they’re not in a D/s playspace when this happens” There are a few assumptions to be worked out for me.

I think there is a deeper issue here frankly. One of how we attain knowledge to do the things we do. How many of us who engage in it flailed around on their own (top or bottom) with out guidance or best practices or mentors, etc. There’s a lot of trial and error out there informed by online life and one-handed reading.

That’s it for me. I gotta go to work.

Posted by Lady Kona at 9:21 pm Tagged with: , , , ,

Intense D/s Doesn't equal Bad Top

Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Mar 142008

I’m troubled by the “bad” top talk.

And the notion that most sincere people are doing the best they can at any given moment.

And what about a top that wants to be true to who they think they are?

I remember some shit going ’round about me and my “aftercare”. Well you know what? I don’t DO aftercare. Not in the ways that I see it being done by many people. I know that I have things about how I run friendships that others find intolerable. Fine. If you need me to call your ass once a week so that you know I’m your friend… it ain’t gonna happen.

What we need and want as individuals isn’t always a match to what others want or expect from us.

As tops and bottoms both, when a person says to us “this is the way it is” or “you did this and I feel that” sometimes it is an opportunity to get clear about ourselves and the other. To dig around inside of ourselves. As I’ve said before (prompted by experiences with a particular person in the community) I should know better than to expect that snake to hop like a bunny. And snakes are fine. Just ask a herpetologist. If you think your top/bottom is one and it starts to display traits of the other… perhaps one needs to do an internal check-in.

I’m not making sense. I’m distracted by needing to get to the airport.

I can’t help but think if we did more of these conversations face to face as groups that we woudl all be better for it.

Posted by Lady Kona at 5:50 pm Tagged with: , , ,

Bang 4 the Buck and D/s Archetypes

Dykes, Sapphists & Other Cousins, Education, Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s, Sex & Gender No Responses »
Mar 132008

How much fun was THAT!

I’ve never been to Bang 4 the Buck. And being in the presence of over 200 women all lathered up and scantily dressed was certainly this side of heaven.

Saturday’s workshop was illuminating as I have frequently found Midori’s sessions to be. And as always I am struck by the what and the how. Why those archetypes? Why those questions for the mapping? What was excluded? What was considered but deemed non essential?

I always have a sense that the workshops begin at the beginning of the conversation but end part way through. At times moving to other conversations and then circling back again. Sometimes staying there too…

I find it juicy.

Posted by Lady Kona at 1:43 pm Tagged with: , , , , , ,

Motivating my need for D/s conversation

D/s Dinner/salons, Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Mar 092008

My conversations over the past few weeks combined with the personal commitment I made to myself at the beginning of this year is moving my mojo.

So I’m doing more than thinking about it. I’m putting my time and money where my desire is.

I’ve booked a space in Vancouver late-April-ish and am yacking with a couple of people about donating their personal space for a preliminary conversation (mostly to download the info I’ve collected so far this year at Leather Reign, Lupercalia and Midori’s Mapping Your D/s Archetype worshop) in early-April-ish.

I hope folks will be willing to sit down on a regular basis to stretch their brains, and that those with Herstory will showup and engage in transmitting/sharing that info to a receptive group.

I’ll make sure you know what’s when. OK?

Posted by Lady Kona at 7:16 pm Tagged with: , , ,

Community Protocols

Dykes, Sapphists & Other Cousins, Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Mar 092008

I was birthed into public BDSM/kink/leather and have grown up in Vancouver. Prior to that I was practicing D/s in private in Alberta without context or community or vernacular. I just made the shit up. When I moved to Vancouver and came out publicly into BDSM, I looked around and described it to myself as percussion-focussed.

I remember my first party though (as opposed to club night). Studio Q. There were a group of women sitting in chairs in the middle of the room upstairs. And one of the women was talking and holding a cigar and she had her feet on the back of a woman who was stretched out on the floor writing in a journal. It looked like HOME and evoked what I had been doing while in Edmonton privately. And I remember thinking something like: “Those are my people. I’m not alone. There are others who do this too.” It has haunted me ever since and never been fully realized. There is a longing. Perhaps for a fantasy…. but I know others in other places who do it…

Continue reading »

Posted by Lady Kona at 5:08 pm Tagged with: , , , , ,

Going Deep in D/s

Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Mar 082008

I was talking last night with a dominant who had recently split with their ______ (I don’t know what the word is for their thing). And she was talking about the absence and how to be around the person would cause her to break into tears.

And we talked about how those deep exchanges are SO qualitatively different in their absence than when breaking up with a “lover” or “girlfriend” or “partner”.

I’ve experienced my “addiction” being bigger than “love”. I can certainly jones in the absence of ANY Love… if that makes sense.

While at Leather Reign there was a session on the “dark pudding” of topping. Those times when we feel the need to go deeper and further and it feels like we might get swept up and do so happily regardless of the BIGGER consequences be they community, social, familial, legal, etc.

Deep D/s is manifested in my mind’s eye as plunging my fist past a person’s mortal barriers to grab onto a viceral organ and haul it out bleeding to feast on. It feels that primal. And I work HARD to keep that in check. Sometimes it feels like I will BURST out of my skin and pieces will fly and this creature will stride the road displaying its guts for all to see. One more drink. One more hit. One more spoonful. One more rep. One more…

And because I CAN’T get that deep I’m always hungry. And frequently, to take the edge off I will dumpster dive into connections which on the surface at the play party, the house party, behind closed doors probably LOOK hawt but aren’t that nutritious. And sometimes I get a REALLY good meal. But that doesn’t happen often and it costs me a lot (physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychically) and makes me SO much more aware of what I’m missing. Many times I find myself being anorexic about the whole thing as a way of coping.

Which is all a way of saying that this thing sometimes SCARES me.

Posted by Lady Kona at 11:24 pm Tagged with: , , , , ,

Consentual Nonconsentuality

Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s, Self-Indulgent No Responses »
Jan 282007

I feel like I just gained some insight into something that my boi has been trying to express to me. And something I said this morning too.

I said, “I wonder how I do it.” Which was met with a blank stare by the poor creature.

I don’t know how I do what I do. I never have a plan and I never know what’s coming next. I don’t know what will occur in 10 minutes, or five minutes, or three minutes. I don’t know anymore than the focus of my attention does.

I’ve tried planning scenes. I know some people do it. This, then this, then this. Nope. Some people have a routine for how they warm people up or play with them. This, then this, then this. Nope. Some people have specific things that make them hot. This, this, this…. Nope. I’m a shitty negotiator precisely because “This, then this, then this” makes me feel like I’m… well they don’t make me *feel*.

My *thing* is the individual song. I want to figure out how to play this particular instrument that is under my hands. I get off on the moment/s. I want the look, the sound, and the movement that conveys through prose its own unique kind of poetry.

Posted by Lady Kona at 11:49 am Tagged with: , ,

Interrogation Station

Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s, Reflections & Ruminations No Responses »
Jan 082007

I was playing with C—- this weekend, in the bathtub, and a comment was made about me interrogating C—- like I had done with a mutual friend at a dinner party the night before.

I said that I did not *DO* interrogation scenes and, C—- laughed at me like I was being COMPLETELY ridiculous! *blink, blink* went I and I grabbed the hair and proceeded to dunk/drown C—- again. It was hawt.

And it was weird. This light went on inside my mind. And it reminded me of the time a similar light had gone off. I was talking to someone after one of Midori’s Humiliation workshops. I said something to the effect of “Gee! I guess I’ve been doing humiliation play when I do XYZ.” And the person laughed at me. The *same* kind of laugh as C—-

Cause I’ve never really thought that I do “interrogation.” I think of it as questioning that keeps the bottom on their toes, or helps to prevent them from floating off into space, or provides a framework that allows me to construct scenes on the fly without negotiation, or play without safewords by extracting information about the progress of the scene. I can often be heard to say, “Do you want me to stop? Do you want to call the police? Do you need an ambulance? How about an intervention? Where’s your cell phone so you can call a life line? You wanna borrow mine?”

But lately, with a particular person, I have been taking this to a new place. The questions are legion and I can go on for 30 minutes or more without letting up. I love the blushing, sweating, and squirming. YUM!!! Which leads me to the the moment of the comment and light going on.

I went, once upon a time, to a Midori workshop on Interrogation and Military scenes. I confess, I did not see myself as a person who played that way and so I found it interesting but not relevant. Now I’m more intrigued and can’t find my notes.

Posted by Lady Kona at 3:34 pm Tagged with: , , ,

Part-time D/s

Uncategorized No Responses »
Dec 282006

I just came out of a fulltime D/s association. I released the person from service but we have managed to find a way to evolve into primary partners… (I think that is what I woudl call it…). The language and details are still really weird.

There is still a recognition that I am the dominant in our… relationship?… dynamic?…?? But things are more fluid now and subject to bouts of confusion.

So… we do p/t D/s… I guess. It’s strange.

Posted by Lady Kona at 8:28 pm Tagged with: ,

Modifying BDSM practices

Education, Our Actions > BDSM, Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Dec 282005

I’ve been thinking A LOT about how there are lots of workshops at lots of conferences dealing with BDSM 101, 201, 301, etc. But I have never seen anything about modified BDSM practices. And that is not only from the stand point of those who are aging, but for those who have temporary, long term or permanent disabilities/conditions which might impact play.

For this reason I continue to advocate that there be more sharing, workshopping, etc of lifestyle dynamics. Cause a person may not be able to take a flogging, they can still say “Thank you Daddy”, or “Ma’am may I please…” etc.

So I may not wear leather (or a corset) but I still hope to be kinky as hell in mind and spirit even if my body is not willing or able.

Posted by Lady Kona at 12:02 pm Tagged with: , , , , ,

Online Training

Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Oct 312005

So.. I’ve always been interested in
1) the idea of online training and
2) interested about how people weave the power exchange long distance

I’ve always been concious to NOT find myself in these situations however I have received many requests and inquiries about online training over the years, and now I find myself with a boi in one province and my toilet that needs cleaning in another.

Comments, advice, guidance, etc appreciated.

Posted by Lady Kona at 1:24 am Tagged with: , ,

Arguing with my charge

Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Oct 242005

Personally… I’m not receptive to my charge arguing with me. Disagreeing? Sure. Advocating a point of view? Go for it. But raised voices or confrontational language or belligerent behaviour are things I can not have in my relationship. I’ve experienced it in the past and have decided that I will not go there now or in the future. Period. And I am quite willing to issue ultimatums like the one you got Laura.

In my experience, “arguments” that are really about a charge’s personal resistance are easy. They require time, communication, listening and compassion. The ones that are about toothpaste caps or bad tapes from the past are more challenging. And for me, I find the most important thing I can do is to stay grounded yet flexible — to be willing to lay down the law and stick to it (’cause I’m a marshmallow underneath it all).
Continue reading »

Posted by Lady Kona at 9:00 pm Tagged with: , , ,

Financial Slavery

Our Thoughts > D/s & M/s No Responses »
Oct 082005

For years I have heard tales and read fiction about people living off of another. The real life tales tend to end badly and the fiction… welll… its fiction. And it seems on the real life ones that the person who is the recipient/taker always seems to have evil qualities.

I think this must be a very particular type of experience.

In my past I lived with a charge who paid when we went out and for everything ovefr the basics of life. And even ssome of the basics. I picked paid ___ amount/month into the household expenses and that was it. And yes, the amounts spent on me were expected and agreed upon. However, there was a serious disparity in our earnings in addition to the power dynamic. The one thing I did do was to control expenditures over a certain amount and ensure moneywas put away for the person’s future. It worked fine.

A dominant I know controls the earnings of their charges. They pay towards the house and recieve an allowance. The rest goes into savings and RRSPs.

I think whether control of finances works REALLY depends on the people involved and their dynamic, the amount of money being pulled in by each, budgeting/future planning skills of each, individual material values and personal integrity of the persons involved.

Does anyone have an example or personal experince that worked?

Posted by Lady Kona at 1:38 am Tagged with: , , , ,
Newer Entries
© 2011 NubianImp Projects Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha