Here we have CBC. A national broadcaster that really feels like the heart of Canada to me. Maybe not the whole heart, but certainly a chamber.

One of the programs run on CBC Radio One on Saturday mornings is North by Northwest which has resurected a segment called Lost Childhood Books. It’s hosted by Sheryl Mackay. They have a team of librarians who will, with an adequate description, track down a lost literary friend.

For years I have been trying to discover the book that was read to by the teacher to our fourth grade class.  I’m almost 40 now and the book has always stayed with me. Guess what? They found it.

Continue reading »

And then there were none.

YAY!

So much love and appreciation goes out to my core care team team. Feeling the love and feeling blessed. SP, EM, AN and KC… I have no words that are adequate. TO my Sista I could not be more grateful for a safe harbour. I looked up at K—— this morning form the bathroom throne and said: what do you give to an angel? How does one say thanks?
Continue reading »

This time next week I’ll be waking up to my first full day with a big chunk missing.

Can I be more appreciative of SP, NC, KC, EM and AN? Getting to here, which today feels like one I should spend in my new (!!!) bed, has been…. I don’t know. I have no words. LOL!

Since my life seems to run in chapters — really — I’ve decided that this one is to be called “And Then There Were None”.
Continue reading »

Who knew that a 60lb rabid porcupine crossed with a ball of lava trying to fight it’s way out of one’s body could be so highly resistant to tylenol3. Thank goodness that it doesn’t bung me no matter how much I eat. THANK GAWD for that.

Happy Pride indeed.

Here’s to days upon days of pleasurable distraction!

I keep forgetting that in addition to chronic pain and discomfort (hence being constantly drug affected), that alien babies also cause hormonal imbalances which can lead to emotional sensitivity, mood swings, anemia induced fatigue – no, exhaustion – and insomnia among other things.

While I fight denial of fact, and in many ways fear the planned twot to tit incision that will result in an anticipated 8 weeks of recovery… I wonder what I will be like when all is done.
Continue reading »

[emerging from the shadows of listening]

I been tracking some of the writing that has appeared since I return to writing with tales of the texture that my life has on a “this is 2008!?” level.

It always amazes/amuses me what people will speak to or address and what they won’t. The places/spaces/times where folks will be VISIBLE with whatever flavour of commentary. The where/when that people will place/insert their words or actions. The consistency/inconsistencies.

I watch those things and I log them. File them away.

‘Cause I do want to sleep without keeping one eye open.

How do I know?

‘Cause the gauntlet was throw down to show up. To acquire some skills. To GET IT. And to have the courage to figure out what that meant to move through the world so that complicity is not a part of what I have to deal with in my personal life and PARTICULARLY when walking by my side.

‘Cause I won’t take excuses anymore if you want to touch my flesh. Nope.

I got a call about an intervention that had been performed. “You’d have been proud of me.” And I was. “Was it hard?” I asked. There was a pause. “No, actually.”

And today I got this in my morning email:
http://www.theroot.com/id/46894/?GT1=38002

Huh.

I’m gonna have to keep this one around a little longer apparently.

I heard the news today OH BOY

WHEW!  It’s going to be horrific and then OH. SO. FUCKING…

GOOD

I don’t qualify for the wait list. Looks like I’ll get fast-tracked to one of the spots in July. “TOO SOON” I said. Thinking about the Bride of Pride event in August and the dyke picnic and… well… SUMMER.

She tried for August… I protested. “You can’t even sit down today and you’re standing at your desk to work” she said.

Continue reading »

My body has been failing me. Miserably.

And folks keep stepping up to the plate. Even through my complete and utter lack of expectation in humanity. Which is not about bitterness. It’s about self reliance and about allowing people to operate within their capacities without guilt or obligation.

My body is failing me and reducing my capacity in this particular moment. And that will shift. Absolutely.

Thank gawd. ‘Cause I’m bored.

GAG.

I gag and gag and gag.

Sometimes I find a way to don my good girl face. Generally I look for the silver lining.
Continue reading »

I was told I would end up paying. And I did. Big fucking surprise. There are always only a handful of folks willing to stick up their heads like whack-a-moles and eventually, no matter how skilled, they get thumped.

I wish I could withdraw the bounty I offered up – well – used as a shield really… or evidence. I wish I could eat those words. Keep them safe from prying puerile eyes and tongues inclined to repetition. Safe from reinterpretation.

All I’ve done is create more work at a time when my body is failing me physically.

Mama is tired. And as we all know… fatigue leads to mistakes. And as I scribbled on paper and passed to a friend: I can’t keep my defenses up. So fallible. So flawed.

I sometimes feel like a knight. In service to something larger than me. Desiring to be in service to something larger than me. And beside me, my trusty squire. In service to me and the vision I in turn serve.

Sometimes I am a queen. Not the Queen of Everything, but the Queen of Quite-a-lot. A dame in service with need of a consort with whom I can sojourn.

The wind. Gentle and destructive. Loved and feared.

Being self-reflective can be a dangerous thing.

My collegue asked me:

How do you feel?

 And lacking the strength not to unload I said:

Like shit.

I’m tired, and I’m scared, and I’m tired of feeling scared, and all of my emotions are TOO close to the surface. Especially, as I said to my supervisor today, when one has to function in a corporate world where one is supposed to suck it up and keep responding to e/v-mail with their severed arm dangling or while delivering a baby, etc. I feel like my integrity is at stake. I feel like a burden to the office, my colleagues and to the tax payer. I’m conscious of not pulling my weight while my workspace mate drowns under her load and I don’t want to face the office.

I woke up this morning and was a strange mixture of surprised and disappointed.

Sorry. You asked.

**sigh** More in time probably…

I’ve been thinking about my piece of stone lately. About its size and quality.

This is the result of some concentrated work I did over the weekend with a SPECTACULAR group of women. My insides have been shifted and my sense of self is definitely on the move.

Over the last 12 months or so I have allowed unprecedented access to my body. And over the last 12 months my body has started to signal all kinds of horrific distress. Pain is my constant companion now and the joyful gains of the past are now rare moments resulting from careful risk assessment.

I’m now returning to the same way of intimate functioning that was my instinct in the past. I pitch. I self-assess before I catch.

Do I Top because I am Stoney?
Will the hard won gains of the recent past calcify?
With my interior still shifting, what will future interactions be like?

Huh. I did one of those online test things:
Do you have an inclination for BDSM?

I’d like to know what questions put me into what category. There are a bunch of things that I answered in the middle because they weren’t clear enough to me, and quite a few where I answered not at the poles but one over becuase I am not HARDCORE and finite about certain things. A certain someone was over my shoulder as I did this. Now I am being teased….
Continue reading »

It is true that over time I have had the honour/pleasure of being able to interact with the stone of a few different butches. I have my own and so I do understand that there is a burden and a responsibility that comes that. When a person finds themselves capable of allowing me a degree of access which feel risky to them, I take extreme care.

Yeah. This has been my experience in the past. But I am now in a place in my life where I am having my stone interacted with in particular ways which are leading me to take the above lens and focus it on myself. Which, ultimately, looks like self protection. Do I want to leap? Am I going to be caught by a net or is it a bungee? What happens to my autonomy if I find myself requiring caretaking? Do I have the capacity to help myself if what I need is not complete enough? Sounds like a lot of fear, but what I’m trying to do feels like trying to looking at the sun with a naked eye…

But make no mistake. I ain’t wounded! I’m just a little stony! People who like bananas aren’t asked to justify their liking (tho I think they should) and I shouldn’t have to justify my love of my piece of stone. Not elegantly said… but there it is. Continue reading »

I love his chest.

And unlike the multitude of breasts i was surrounded by last night, I don’t see them in the same way at all.

His chest is large enough that re-constructive surgery will mean repositioning of the nipple. That boy can practically cum from his nipples. They are one of my favorite things. FAVORITE. Surgery means that he’ll loose all that sensation. Being as they provide SUCH pleasure (to both of us really) I find that hard to fix in my mind.

GAWD.

I describe myself as being Kinda Stoney.

I use that in relation to my physical body and in relation to my emotional self as well.

As a low-femme who likes cisfemale folk who express themselves or live along the masculine spectrum this can be a *little* challenging.
Continue reading »

Oh those kids over at OK Cupid…
http://www.okcupid.com/online.dating.persona.test

The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex master (RGSMf)

Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

You’re a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It’s therefore highly likely that you’re attractive, and you’re certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When girls dare to dream, they dream of you.

You don’t get attached too easily, and, to wit, you’re not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That’s a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you’re open to anything, you’re keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won’t be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.

In the meantime, the women you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don’t need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can’t think of anything about you we’d change. Keep on fucking, partner.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Priss

CONSIDER: Anyone else

LOL!  Oh those online quiz things:
http://www.okcupid.com/online.dating.persona.test 

The Playstation – Random Gentle Sex master (RGSMf)

Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

You’re a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It’s therefore highly likely that you’re attractive, and you’re certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When girls dare to dream, they dream of you.

You don’t get attached too easily, and, to wit, you’re not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That’s a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you’re open to anything, you’re keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won’t be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.

In the meantime, the women you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don’t need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can’t think of anything about you we’d change. Keep on fucking, partner.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Priss

CONSIDER: Anyone else

1> What do your BDSM scene friends call you?
It depends on their relationship to me. Lady Kona, Ma’am, Kona, Mama… Imp, brat-top, scary, intimidating, sadistic, … LOL!

1b> What would you like for us to call you?
I think Kona would do just fine

2> How old are you? Location? Race?
This year I’ll be turning 38! I have no idea how that happened that I am almost 40… I’m in Vancouver,  BC Canada. I am of Guyanese, South American decent on both sides. First one born outside of the country (Edmonton, Alberta, Canada) on both sides for a few generations.

2b> Are you Male, Female, TV, TS Pre-op, TS Post-Op?
Cis-female all the way. All original parts still accounted for.

2c> Are you Straight? Bi? Gay? Unsure?
I am often gay – especially if there is sunshine – but I identify as a Femme-Dyke

2d> Are you Dominant? Submissive? Switch? Or Undecided?
Non-switching Dominant Top

2e> Are you single? Looking? Married? Married but looking? Polyamorous?
I’m single and currently courting someone who may have primary potential.

3> Are you looking to meet someone from this group?
That depends. I don’t know anyone form the group as yet! Played a little BDSM CSI with Mr. Worf but we didn’t approach it as partners… which might have made it go easier on us… LOL!

4> Do you participate in munches? (a munch is a meeting/lunch gathering)
I used to go to EVERY munch in my area. I don’t do this anymore. I may do it in the future. I consider it from time to time. They are normally, in this area, attended by hetero-focussed folks. Not a lot of dykes. When I travel, if there is a munch I definitely make an effort to attend.

5> Do you participate in BDSM play in public? We often have parties at a local dungeon. Would you be interested in participating?
I attend one or two parties a month. Some are public. Some are private. Some are personal. Sometimes attend BDSM-lite fetish events as well. I’m on the local DM Team so sometimes I show up to socialize and/work. If I was in your area, I’d certainly post and would make every effort to attend a party if the dates worked. Increasingly I’m willing to travel to be in POC play spaces. In the the fall of 2007 I travelled to New York to attend one.

6> How long have you been exploring BDSM? How long have you been actively participating in BDSM?
Wow. Well, I was  for more than five years before I came out publically 10 years ago. Longer if I think about it. That doesn’t include things I did as a young adult, youth or child. and have been in the public scene for about 10 years. When I came out I had to LEARN percussive and “BDSM” play because that’s not what I was doing! I was into the juiciness of power exchange/dynamics.

7> Do you like physical pain? Or do you enjoy the psychological aspects of bondage?
HUH? I’m a sadist. I enjoy playing with the energy that can come out of bondage… but that’s not the question you’re asking me. Right?

8> Are you a exhibitionist or voyeur?
I regard myself as neither. I consider myself to be a participant.

9> What does BDSM mean to you?
That’s a pretty big question. Especially these days. I recently did a Femme Domme mentoring intensive for three days with an Elder racialized leather dyke. It fucked me up and I’m still recovering. Ask me when the water has slowed it’s swirling.

10> If you could add a question to this survey what would it be?
Have you considered or can you articulate your relationship to BDSM as a person of colour living in the Americas (North, South and points in between)?

11> How did you first hear about BDSM?
I’m not even certain to be honest. I probably didn’t start really looking at the vernacular and the meanings of the component parts until I came out publicly. I had no words. I had seen some things which Identified as edgy sexually… and I figured that they had to be who I was or at least constituent parts since I OBVIOUSLY wasn’t like my peers or what I saw in the media…

12> How did you hear about Mahogany?
I was cruising around the Dark Connections site. I’ve had it bookmarked for years and have visited every once in a while to see about changes and continue reading content i hadn’t read before. And i came across this link! I’m really focussed these days on growing my connection to other POC that are interested in BDSM.

© 2011 NubianImp Projects Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha