Humiliation in the soul

Went to a gathering this week and re-met the most interesting woman. She put me onto a group at Fetlife based on a conversation we were having: http://fetlife.com/groups/179/group_posts/37280

Curious about other people’s connection to humiliation and degradation.

My contribution to the thread is basically as follows:

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I’m a dominant with a kernel of “master” in me (Vancouver area for those with interest, heh). From jump street I came up with and branded myself as a “Tormentrix”

I was told for years that I engaged in humiliation play and really couldn’t understand why people would say that. I played in the way which made me feel most wholesome. I gave those who enjoyed that kind of play what they wanted and they came back for more.

I started researching and reading. I took Midori’s Humiliation session (once by choice and twice by happenstance). I began to understand why people might regard my verbal style of play (particularly in public) and some of my activities as Humiliating. Last winter I did a session with Lee Harrington focussing on the “dark pudding” that may lie within a dominant. It gave me additional insight into my extremes. Led me to look into the corners. Greeby and good.

Let me say that I’m a dacrophiliac. Tears turn me on. And playing with an individual to the point of tears and begging and snot works for me. Oh to find a local (female) creature I could go hard with!

To be certain, I’m not interested in rendering my prey incapable of functioning in their day to day life. I am not interested in their becoming dependent on me due to actions on my part that have stripped their ability to be self-sufficient. I am interested in being in contact with deep surrender (as opposed to obedience or compliance).

I should say that although the words humiliation and degradation might be used to describe activities that interest me and others, I frame it slightly differently. Perhaps it’s merely justifying what I do, but I do think that it makes a difference. What I crave is an individual who is clear about what they are doing (or at least self reflective) and who can enter into a dynamic with me where we can both wrap ourselves in the connection to spirit that is possible through extreme surrender/dominance.

I can pee on a person. They have lots of ways they can respond. But for me, the type of response is important. If the person comes in contact with the core of their submission, I am interested in continuing and doing more and pushing where that goes. Lack of a “good” response will not make me pee on them again. Which might be what they want (*smilz*)

A__’s interactions with his slave-wife, make sense to me. Not all of his activities work for me but I’ve done many of them and know what they provoke. They allow me to access a deep compassion and strong feelings of love. I can feel my heart opening. I long to wrap myself around those who would give themselves to me in that way. It is intoxicating and nutritious. Addicting.

I did a scene at Desire LeatherWomen’s Weekend in Palm Springs last year that involved verbal torment and golden showers. I was amazed at the way I felt. I was shocked when I thought about when the last time was that I had felt similar. Taller, stronger, more attractive, smarter, more capable… more centred. At PEACE.

I asked myself the question “why” for a while but in a vacuum with no one to speak with I stopped. I might look at it again.

Must go to work now.