GAH! – Gagging on Life
April 4, 2009 – 11:04 amToday I hate people. Actually this week I’ve hated people. I’m physically exhausted, emotionally wrung out and intellectually stretched.
My community life is FULL of work. D/s Dinner/salon, teaching at MVK, my 4th Annual B-day Sauna, taking on the roles of protector and surrogate to two different slaves at the request of Masters I know, and the mayhem of Mayhem – which takes about 3hrs a day. Every. Day. GAH.
My personal life is blowing up with preparations for the boi moving here, back taxes due in a week and not started, continuing personal health issues and a death in the family that has brought disparate people together. Can someone come vacuum the stars up off my floor and clean the bathroom while they are at it? Don’t forget the dishes. Or the laundry. GAH.
My working environment has me feeling not intermediate in an advanced world like I normally do, but at intern status with advanced expectations and responsibilities. I remind myself that they pay me a good living wage and I shouldn’t expect to be seen; it’s not personal, it’s not personal, it’s not personal, it’s not personal… GAH.
It’s weird. There are all these external pressures and expectations that are competing for pieces of me: work, home, friends, family, acquaintances, strangers.
I’m reminded of Ayn Rand’s treatise “Atlas Shrugged”. What if I just pulled out of everything and sat quietly on the sidelines? Would shit in my personal life get done? Would anyone take up the community work? Would I still have a job?
So I trudge along and try not to take things personally. I was talking with a collegue just yesterday. Back and forth about the “it never rains it pours” feeling and how sometimes it feels like there is some bizzare heavy gravity thing going on. We both feel it. We both are trying to figure out how and if it is appropriate to be detached or not take it personally.
I’m not holding a pity party and inviting attendees. I’m just sayin’. I don’t need a pat on the back or a hug or words of support or evidence of witnessing. I’m just sayin’.
I’m reminded of an Ani DiFranco song wherein she says “seems like the people who [claim] to like me don’t allow me to say no.” Or fuck up or make mistakes or be less than stellar or be tired or feel rejected/misunderstood/etc.
And then there are the folks who sit on the sidelines and silently judge. Or give voice which gets to me through the grapevine or whatever. GAH.
I’ve got one friend who is kinder to service people than her friends and just. can’t see. that. We talk about it among ourselves and acknowledge the difficulty of loving while dodging. We keep doing it ’cause we have undeniable love and ties to this person but they sure don’t make it easy sometimes. And we always get cast as the bad ones and punished with silence or vagueness. GAH.
And then there are the self-interested who ain’t stepping up while voicing the complexities of what’s going on in their lives. I get that. I hear that. I have compassion for that. Really. I do. But where do you end? Where is the space for others? How can you not just lock up your load and just extend a hand with no strings attached? GAH.
And how is it that another person I know (actually there are a few who) can bitch and complain about being excluded or picked on while turning down every invitation announced to the public or to groups? Why do I have to manage who is on the guest list so that you can be accommodated? I ain’t got time to call my Granny. What do you want from me? MORE consideration than that? GAH.
I could go on. I really could.
But I got lots of stuff to do and lots of people I’m responsible to and lots of internal processing that must be accommodated in between.
Don’t get me wrong. I love the things and people and stuff. Really. I do. But today… for a bit… I’m too busy managing my own feelings and life to extend an energy bubble around others.
I know I can have anything I want – just not everything – and that I just need to decide on the price I’m willing to pay.
Ebb and flow. Ebb and flow. A friend of mine said years ago that people who really love you and are your true friends will always speak to you the next day or when the bad behaviour stops.
I’m waiting on some folks.
And I know others are waiting on me.
In the meantime, I’m going to go back to quietly hating people while knowing this too shall pass. And finishing that workshop for tonight. And working on Mayhem. And getting out of Shiva for the weekend. And doing my taxes. And… GAH.
Anyone got a bottle of Macallan Scotch they want to donate to my sanity? How about for my b-day? – wrapped in red panties would be best.
