Weary

My mind is in a twist these days and I’m functioning on automatic. And event that is not getting the job done. My judgement is off but I’m trying to be gentle with myself. Saying things at work… saying things to the boi… sending emails I would love to recall… important actions delayed… I feel like there is going to be one HELL of a mess to sort out at the beginning of May. A member of my chosen family is going to read my cards next week. Perhaps there will be light.

Tonight I am home visiting with a woman dear to my heart and finishing the typing of the notes from the Midori workshop I attended several weeks ago. Very interesting to look at again. Friday I’m out with a good friend. Saturday night I’m DMing at Metro Vancouver Kink’s monthly event. Monday is the standing Monday Night Martini dinner, and Tuesday is the D/s Dinner/salon session. Somewhere in all that I need to prep for Tuesday. Ah well…. A fire under my ass and all that.

Funny. As my stock of energy grows I seem to be dishing it out. A few teaspoons here… a tablespoon there… Reminds me of the Christmas that I ate until I almost puked. And for the next several hours I kept going back to the kitchen to top up the little bit of space my body had made. Serious. I’d eat a mandarin sized bit of something because then I would feel full to sick again. And go back 45 minutes later and eat another two table spoons and… this feels like the reverse.

I was lying in bed last night thinking about sex addicts and how they might engage in their behaviours more when under stress etc. I said to my supervisor yesterday “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be caught in a bank robbery. Some people do roller coasters and others horror movies, but I like other ways of getting my adrenaline fix.” She just looked at me… I think I box myself into time shit or self sabotage to bump up the drama quotient.

I’ve been thinking about the wind too. The way it can come along… pick up the debris in its path… cycle it into the air… and then – suddenly – be gone. Allowing everything to fall to the ground. Or what it does with kites in the sky…. tugging desperately at times and teasing at others… struggling with the connection to the ground.