Too much, too much, too much...

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More reflection and further conversation about the D/s Dinner/salon I hosted on April 22.08 led me think a little more about this:

• http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-frost11apr11,0,7418243.story
• http://www.latimes.com/news/la-fg-mosley10apr10,1,7848100.story
• http://lolitawolf.blogspot.com/2008/04/nazi-fantasies.html
• http://www.slate.com/id/2188752/

And remember this:

• http://www.iron-rose.com/vijohnson/docs/blic2.htm

All because today I had yet another communication commenting on how my personal choice of language about my personal stuff was disturbing. And once again I had to make it clear that I was talking about the two square feet that I stand on and the skin that I inhabit.

How is it that we as a community can talk about Rape Play and Littles and scenes that involve heavy amounts of blood and it’s OK? We even seem to be working on moving through Trans issues – which has been TOUGH and ROUGH. How is it that folks can talk about these things being important to them and having space for them and whether they are SSC/RACK and people actually stick around for the discussion?

How is it that these things are DISCUSSIONS?

How is it that while being one of the most visible that one can also be one of the least seen?

It’s been suggested publicly and privately that I need therapy. Perhaps. I certainly need to not be spinning on the inside of my head.

I remember when I came out into BDSM, it took a lot of conversations with myself and others and reading to find a way to place what I was witnessing and to honestly look at what I was doing/wanted to do.

My societal conditioning resulted in all kinds of shame and guilt and embarrassment. I didn’t go looking for justifications so that I could mindlessly continue; I looked for understanding. And I still do.

So over time I have asked myself (and continue to do so) hard questions about how the things we as a scene do intersect or stand discrete with our internal landscapes, with the society around us, with the past/present/future and in terms of things like aging, technology, shifting demographics, pop culture trends, etc.

BDSM interests me but I am returning to my primary interest which is D/s. Which is cerebral and so my brain works. I wish I was smarter and broader in my knowledge. But I’m young, I have time, and I love to read. And as long as people of varying backgrounds and experience are willing to have conversations with me about how and why and when, then perhaps I can get some of that knowledge for free, and in a way that can be of benefit to more than just me trying to grow the scrapings inside my skull into something more substantial.

Then again, maybe that’s what I REALLY need therapy around. Thinking too much. And having the audacity to speak both my embryonic and fully formed musings aloud.
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