Lady Kona, Nubian Imp & Tormentrix

Thoughts from D/s Dinner/salon #2

I was engaged in the second of a quarterly series of conversations: The D/s Dinner/salon. At the point that things slid sideways in the conversation for me, I was trying to respond to something that a top was commenting on around why people come to the scene (and D/s) but don’t stay.

And in my long-winded getting-myself-in-trouble-again way what was on my mind was that what is obvious when folks walk into a play space is the activity of BDSM which in it’s complex manifestations can trigger the psyche of people. And that if one is interested, as I was when I came to the scene, in the dynamics that can occur between intimates, that can be troublesome. Because those like-minded people are present, but one may have to acclimate to things that are troubling in order to make those connections. And that can feel like walk through goose shit covered grass to get to the beach.

More context.

One person, a top, spoke of their first play party being one where all the scenes were men flogging women and how that was unsettling. My extrapolation and appropriation of that statement led me to a possible disconnect for the person between what they might have wanted when they walked in (or what they now want/have) and what they were seeing at the time. What was acceptable… what is commonly acceptable wasn’t.

Signals are presented about what Dominants “do”. What acceptable D/s looks like – which might not be acceptable to the person at all. To paraphrase another conversation participant, D/s done publicly can raise feelings of rescue in those around. A disconnect between what IS happening and how it is experienced by others. But tops who want to stick around figure out how to navigate and how to attract what they want by representing something that is *generally* familiar to the society of kinksters as a whole.

There was conversation about tops guiding bottoms towards an alignment of tastes overtime or, as one person said, placing something from the no list on the table so that the bottom could get what they wanted while moving that person in ways that satisfied the top.

I know that I learned over time in the public/private scene to eroticize certain things or at least come to a place of acceptance or tolerance so that I could be in an environment where I would have an increased chance of meeting someone compatible/desirable. Some of that stuff is now wired into my sex. And that can make me uncomfortable if I look at it too closely. Over the years I’ve scared myself or disgusted myself. I’ve topped myself and pushed my own boundaries. There are things I play with on the inside of my skull now that would have HORRIFIED the woman who walked into her first play party years ago and saw whipping on a cross.

I’m struck by how much Pavlovian conditioning occurs on both sides as we move towards what it is we think we want. In North America, is it really just a case of being in a low context culture? Searching for something that will plug into what is missing? Is there some kind of instinct we in the scene are sensitive to and choose to fill in this particular way? Is it a matter of “”this particular way”"? Could we get it in another way?

I guess what I’m thinking about is how we get to KNOW the mental/spiritual/emotional stuff that we carry around inside of us so that we can make good choices that don’t impact our ethics/morals/values, etc. How do we identify those things in others so that our matches are more successful? I’m not talking about shopping lists of BDSM… I’m talking about the stuff at our primal core that we attempt to satisfy when we do D/s.

How many people, I wonder, darken the doors of what is offered publicly, and walk away because of a mismatch between what they see (BDSM – physical play) with what they may want (D/s – mental interlocking)?

It’s a BDSM scene. Which is to say a group of people who are physically active. What about those who aren’t inclined that way? What about folks with disabilities? What about folks with limited mobility? Or who are aging and can’t swing a flogger/take a needle? What does their/that “”scene”", the D/s “”scene”" look like? Where is it? How does one connect to it? And is constantly navigating a room full of corporeal play the only way to find it?

I don’t know… there’s more to what is cooking in my brain, but this is the skimming off the top. Need more voices/perspectives to aid my thinking.

There. I feel better. I got that out.

Finally.