The wanting… the needing…
March 8, 2008 – 11:05 amA dominant I know was writing a while back about the Pandora’s Box of deep D/s that leaves a dominant in a place of unsatisfied want and need for energetic connection.
I remember a period of time when I discovered needles. In fact, what it was was a scene where a woman was being stapled. And the gun was offered to me. And I did it… and this HUGE THING reared it’s head at me and I had to walk away. I was VERY shaken and didn’t go near bloodsports for over a year. And just being around it caused my poor senses to start going on overload.
I remember being in this nasy funk after a SPECTACULAR weekend and having the person I was with look at me and say “Top Drop, Ma’am?” that moment has stuck with me.
I was talking last night with a dominant who had recently split with their ______ (I don’t know what the word is for their thing). And she was talking about the absence and how to be around the person would cause her to break into tears. And we talked about how those deep exchanges are SO qualitatively different in their absence than when breaking up with a “lover” or “girlfriend” or “partner”.
I’ve experienced my “addiction” being bigger than “love”. I can certainly jones in the absence of ANY Love… if that makes sense.
While at Leather Reign 2008 there was a session lead by Lee Harrington on the “dark pudding” of topping. Those times when we feel the need to go deeper and further and it feels like we might get swept up and do so happily regardless of the BIGGER consequences be they community, social, familial, legal, etc.
The thing that the dominant I referenced at the beginning of this post is talking about is manifested in my mind’s eye as plunging my fist past a person’s mortal barriers to grab onto a visceral organ and haul it out bleeding to feast on. It feels that primal. And I work HARD to keep that in check. Sometimes it feels like I will BURST out of my skin and pieces will fly and this creature will stride the road displaying its guts for all to see. One more drink. One more hit. One more spoonful. One more rep. One more…
And because I CAN’T get that deep I’m always hungry. And frequently, to take the edge off I will dumpster dive into connections which on the surface at the play party, the house party, behind closed doors probably LOOK hawt but aren’t that nutritious. And sometimes I get a REALLY good meal. But that doesn’t happen often and it costs me a lot (physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychically) and makes me SO much more aware of what I’m missing. Many times I find myself being anorexic about the whole thing as a way of coping.
Which is all a way of saying that the thing that the original dominant brought up SCARES me.
