Stone in My Bones II

It is true that over time I have had the honour/pleasure of being able to interact with the stone of a few different butches. I have my own and so I do understand that there is a burden and a responsibility that comes that. When a person finds themselves capable of allowing me a degree of access which feel risky to them, I take extreme care.

Yeah. This has been my experience in the past. But I am now in a place in my life where I am having my stone interacted with in particular ways which are leading me to take the above lens and focus it on myself. Which, ultimately, looks like self protection. Do I want to leap? Am I going to be caught by a net or is it a bungee? What happens to my autonomy if I find myself requiring caretaking? Do I have the capacity to help myself if what I need is not complete enough? Sounds like a lot of fear, but what I’m trying to do feels like trying to looking at the sun with a naked eye…

But make no mistake. I ain’t wounded! I’m just a little stony! People who like bananas aren’t asked to justify their liking (tho I think they should) and I shouldn’t have to justify my love of my piece of stone. Not elegantly said… but there it is.

This resonates a lot. My piece of stone is not a marble. It is not a crushing tool. It is not a paper weight. But it is a part of me that I am not interested in having crushed to dust or polished into something more palatable by another. It is a piece of me that can not be set aside. Like many a precious rock it has value to me and if it is engaged with enough the resultant affects will have to be dealt with.

Engaging with my piece of Stone is also about exchange. Now. I’m not talking about EQUAL exchange. NO. I’m talking (typing?) about *EQUITABLE* exchange. So…. that doesn’t mean an eye for an eye, but it might mean an eye for a foot. It feels important to me (at least at this time) to have an equitable risk exchange occur.

And make no mistake! The valuation of equitable is NOT to be done by the person who is offering, but by ME – the recipient. OH! you wish to give me your precious store of Banana Bread in exchange for my chocolate chip cookies?… well if you know me, a TONNE of banana bread can’t be used as payment for a POUND of my cookies.

For me, at this time, it is not enough for me to be offered a soft landing or a safety net or support or whatever. You’ll be there? That’s great. I offer cookies and receive the gift of cookie eating skill or safe storage or protection or…. Well… that ain’t enough. Thank you. Honestly. But… not enough. I offer cookies… how about offering up your toast with jam instead of your banana bread?

And to be certain, I do understand that what might be on offer as equitable exchange might be for the person who is giving it up, something of great personal value. Something that, to the person, feels equitable. But that doesn’t mean that I am able to receive it that way. I might smile as the banana bread is handed to me but it doesn’t mean that I’ll be able to value and respect it and eat it with joy in the way the giver intended…